The Giant Water Slide into Canada

THE GIANT WATERSLIDE INTO CANADA

by Emily Lu

1. I didn’t want to go via ship or plane or land. There were too many ways to die on this journey. A water slide from space seemed the safest.
   
   
2. The Giant Water Slide into Canada brochures made their way to me somehow: colourful, smiling children advertising a wet and wild and wicked time in a fun font, embraced by a graphic design sun friendshipping a graphic design parasol. These sunny pages appeared tucked into my bicycle basket, wrapped around the bottle of oyster sauce I got for my mom on my way home from school, and handed to me by the mailman along with the conscription notice. They were plastered on utility poles, noticeboards, the front windows of convenience stores, infant strollers, the backs of unsuspecting tourists.
   
3. On the day of departure I got my period. I asked my friend for a tampon since I’d never used one before. My mother had never used one herself and didn’t trust them. I bent and begged my body in the bathroom until it kind of went in. Time for a wet and wild summer vacation!
   
   
4. At an average angle of descent of 15 degrees, crossing over 3 time zones, with a total vertical displacement over 7,000 metres, solve for t, where t is the time required to reach Canada.
   
   
5. If k is the coefficient of friction of a tenuous water slide water source poisoned by jet fuel and kiddy urine diluted parts per million, and y is the sighting of an albatross and 𝑦=𝐴0𝑒𝑘𝑡 is the population modelling of bacteria colonies on the back of a humpback whale off the coast of Newfoundland, and 𝐴0 the initial event of albatross poop hitting the top of my head as I zipped along the water slide with an average velocity of 20 km/h, write an equation modifying t the time to Canada with the above parameters. 
   
   
6. Either I didn’t put in the tampon properly, or my flow had overwhelmed the poor tampon. The water around my thighs bled pink. If I needed to change the tampon every 4 hours, but there were no bathrooms along the way, how many total tampons T would be needed?
   
   
7. If the humpback whale mother wanted to hop on my lap as I passed through temperate climate zone Z2, and x the rate of period blood flowing from my vagina into the already tenuous water slide water source, contributed to by diluted jet fuel and kiddy urine as described in the last equation; if there was a continuous sundown event, where the sun kept yo-yoing behind the curvature of the Earth, and the combined mass mme+ mwhale increased our total momentum, broke my femur, and finalized the trajectory of a mid-Atlantic collision. If the whale called out in deeper and deeper frequencies to complain to her whale mother about motherhood, overheard by sonars of ships of other people trying to get to Canada. If we had an argument passing through climate zone Z9. If we became friends. If I told her she was a bad mother. If I became a bad mother. If she could wipe her tears on a maxi pad with wings. If after, she set off on her own velocity vwhale, and me vme, thereby reducing my time to Canada t by a factor of what had already happened and keeps happening.
   
   
8. Where d is the difference between depressed and deceased, and a is the ratio of artists to accountants in my family, if a approaches 0, where my mother’s mother wanted her to be an artist, and her mother before that, and all I had wanted was a friend, in the inequality describing time to arrival is t greater or equal to the total number of years the women in my family spent menstruating? Draw the graph:

          1) if displacement instead of time was on the x-axis
          2) with summer on the x-axis
          3) with sunburn on the x-axis