Doherty’s Traditional Speckled Loaf

DOHERTY'S TRADITIONAL SPECKLED LOAF

by Michael Milne

Ingredients

• 300 mL black tea (if baking ritual version, must use loose tea—otherwise tea bags are fine)
• 350 g mixed dried fruits
• 100 g dark brown sugar
• 250 g all-purpose flour
• 5 g baking powder
• 5 g allspice
• 5 g cinnamon
• 30 mL rendered fat/neutral oil (see notes on sacrifice below)
• 1 large egg
• ½ large mashed banana
• 8–11 symbolic tokens (add one fewer than expected servings)
• 2 large knives (for serving & as needed; see notes below)

Method

1. Ensure the price is worth it.
2. Brew black tea three hours ahead of final baking. (Traditionally this is done only on the Autumn Equinox, but it’s not actually required for the spell. Since Nan received the bone slice herself there’s no one around to hold you to this.) Take one sip, spit out, then pour remaining over dried fruits.
3. Preheat oven to 180 C/350 F. Use wood-fired oven to increase the oogie-boogie element if the customer demands to observe the process. (Wood-fired is more temperamental. Keep an eye out for the loaf burning, drying out, or attempting to escape.)
4. Thoroughly clean and sterilize all tokens.
                   a.  For Traditional Speckled Loaf, you must include a ring (impending marriage/engagement), knot of string (divorce), coin (wealth),
                        dried bean (poverty), peach pit/large seed (pregnancy), nail/bolt (moving house), and piece of bone (death).
                   b.  For child-friendly or just-for-fun versions, these items can be replaced with plastic versions of your choice. They will add                                      no augury value.
                                   i. Most people actually want the just-for-fun version. Ensure the price is worth it.
5. Sift together dry ingredients. Clap three times, progressively louder on each iteration. Try to empty your mind. Try not to think of the ones who will be awaiting your return.
6. Mix together sugar, mashed banana, and fat (or oil). It will become gritty and dark like wet mud.
                   a.  Before the Health Code violations, we typically used rendered animal fat in order to supply the necessary sacrifice for the
                        predictive properties of the recipe. It bestows an earthy, savoury note.
                   b.  Oil works perfectly well for the baking, but you will need to substitute a new sacrifice. Make the customer or someone who will
                        consume the cake hold the oil vessel in their left hand while they give something away permanently. All childhood memories,
                        ability to see a certain colour, dreams, etc.
                   c.  If you are performing the sacrifice, make sure to adjust the price accordingly.
7. Form a well in dry ingredients and pour wet ingredients within. Fold until just combined. While mixing, you must speak the full names of ALL people who will eat the loaf, including yourself.
8. Drain dried fruits of excess liquid, pour into batter, and mix until evenly distributed. (If any fruits have turned into spiders, this is normal. They will still be sweet.)
9. Butter a loaf or pie pan and line with parchment paper. (Butter does not need to be imbued with sacrificial power, but it wouldn’t hurt.) Pour batter into an even layer.
10. Spread tokens evenly across the loaf. Tap pan against counter until tokens are submerged.
                    a.  This method is preferred over mixing tokens in an earlier step, which may cause tokens to double up. After one heavy slice,
                         Great Aunt Flora fell pregnant, nearly bankrupted the bakery, got divorced, and then remarried the same woman within the
                         year.
11. Bake for 67 minutes, or until cake is honey brown and springy. (If any tokens are visible from the top of the loaf you MUST start over.)
12. Let cool for ten minutes, release from pan, and peel away parchment paper.
13. Hold your hand above the loaf and turn to face the direction of the closest body of water. Hum for around a minute. (This may be another of Nan’s additions, but for obvious reasons we don’t often have the chance to recipe-test this step.)
14. For the spell to take effect, the loaf must be eaten before sunrise the next day. Customers will prefer to do this at night, under the moon, etc. But just do it before morning.
15. Consult the customer on where the loaf should be delivered. Do not travel to the location together.
16. Tell your next of kin where you are going and make sure they know this recipe. It has kept Doherty’s afloat through many tough times. If you cannot find anyone to tell, write the recipe down to be found. Like this.
17. Cutting and serving must be done with a knife that has killed something. Take at least two from the Doherty’s bakery kitchen, any should do.
18. Drive to the location where the loaf will be served. It is imperative you have your own transportation.
                   a.   Normally, the guests will just think this is an occult party game. They will giggle and coo and look at you like a charlatan. You will
                         leave unscathed.
                   b.  Sometimes, guests will grow angry over the coming days as their tokens begin to ring true. Make sure all staff at the bakery are
                        aware of the commission. Close the bakery before nightfall if needed.
                   c.   Very seldomly, partygoers will turn if they draw a slice they do not like. Especially true with repeat customers. Too many of us
                         have gone out on delivery and not come back.
19. As you drive, remind yourself that Nan is watching you. Dad. Great Aunt Flora. Many, many Dohertys.
20. Park somewhere you cannot be blocked in.
21. Count the number of steps up the walkway and stand on the front stoop; remember this in case you need to leave in haste. Take a moment and flush out any feelings: amazement at how enormous the house will surely be, envy at the quality of the nearby cars. Nobody waiting inside is risking their lives to keep a family business going. They don’t have to. This is a game for them, and you are a jester. Stamp on those feelings, squeeze them into a hot and heavy ball, and sheathe the ball for safekeeping. It may help you survive.
22. Tell yourself whatever it is you need to tell yourself to get through this. Tradition. Honour. Your partner. The kids.
23. Check where you have the serving knife; check where you have any other knives.
24. Ensure the price is worth it.
25. Knock on the door.

Serves 8–12. Great with butter or honey.