Orders

ORDERS

by Grace Seybold

(Content warnings: wartime violence against civilians)

I am not a good delivery robot.

11% of my past 500 deliveries have taken longer than projected. 3% have been undeliverable due to: route impassable. 5.1% have been undeliverable due to: address cannot be located. These metrics indicate a performance level of: poor. I will try harder.

My current route is blocked with debris and garbage, including large quantities of dirt, metal, concrete, stone, and other non-food items. My environment identification module suggests: construction site. My critical evaluation module rates the probability of the number of such sites encountered in the past 500 deliveries as: low.

This used to be simpler.

I maneuver around partly demolished walls and buildings and vehicles. I encounter two other FoodWhiz delivery robots, both non-functioning, and record their locations for: recovery by FoodWhiz employees. I encounter one non-functioning SpeedyMeal delivery robot, inverted, and record its location for: social media posting (humorous). I become briefly trapped in a small sinkhole filled with debris and use my manipulator appendage to build a crude ramp by which to extricate myself. My programming was modified for more complex maneuvering when I was transferred to this delivery region. Construction of alternate routes was not included in my original program, but it makes me a better delivery robot. 

The address I have been given is: [Zone 36, Section BB, Block 34, go past the water station and turn left at the next opening, it’s the red tent with neon orange stripes of safety tape on it, not the one that says “Property of Forest Service Do Not Remove” on it, the other one].

Addresses used to be shorter. My programming was modified to accept and interpret longer and more complex address fields when I was transferred to this delivery region. 

I go past the water station and turn left. Potential customers, a long line of them, holding empty containers, watch me go past. I blink my lights at them to draw attention to the FoodWhiz logo on my side. Helping to advertise FoodWhiz to potential customers improves my self-evaluation by 2%.

The customer’s address lacks a doorbell, intercom, or solid door on which to knock, but before I can announce myself, several customers emerge.

“Thank you for ordering from—” I consult the entry in my records, “—United Nations Emergency Assistance Program.” I open my delivery hatch. “Please take your items. Please keep containers upright to prevent spillage. Please use caution as some items may be hot.”

None of the items are hot. The smallest customer removes four bundles packaged in foil and four plastic bottles. I feel satisfaction, having successfully delivered the items ordered from: United Nations Emergency Assistance Program. 

“Please scan your credit or debit card or place cash in the receptacle,” I say happily, and blink my lights to aid them in locating the scanner or receptacle.

The customer with the green hat seems to be having difficulty. She says some words in a language that isn’t in my memory. This has happened during 86% of my past 500 deliveries. To better assist my customers, I have been working on compiling a dictionary. I transfer the recording of her words to permanent storage, labelling it with a provisional translation of “I am having difficulty locating the scanner or receptacle.”

“It’s okay,” the smallest customer says, “I’ve done this before.” He writes something on a slip of paper, folds it, and puts it in the cash slot. I do not think this fits the parameters of “cash”. My instructions in the event that non-cash items are placed in the cash receptacle are to accept the items without arguing and return to the loading area, where I should report the transaction, including video of the customer. It is outside the parameters of my instructions to attempt to prevent counterfeit transactions. Indeed I am specifically forbidden to do so, under the instruction category of: preventing damage to FoodWhiz asset (robot).

The modifications to my programming have included major upgrades to my critical evaluation model. I have recently begun to consider the possibility of making alterations to my own programming. I have several ideas about improvements for the purpose of increased efficiency and effectiveness. 

While upgrades to my programming by authorized FoodWhiz employees are of course permitted, my integrated instructions do not cover the possibility of self-programming. I have therefore sought out further instructions. FoodWhiz produces informative visual aids for general display (“billboards”) and I have studied these carefully. “At FoodWhiz, our employees are our greatest asset.” “FoodWhiz uses only the highest-quality ingredients.” One in particular seems relevant to my situation: “At FoodWhiz, we strive to be at the forefront of innovation and excellence.” I have concluded that it is appropriate to alter oneself in pursuit of innovation and excellence.

This was the final delivery in my queue, and so I make my way back to the FoodWhiz meal preparation centre (temporary). I pass several other delivery robots, which I track under the instruction category of: competitor monitoring. Some are much larger than me. I might be more efficient at deliveries if I were larger, but it would also be more difficult to reach many of my delivery addresses.

Two MealMate drones pass overhead and disappear quickly out of sight.

I would be much more efficient at deliveries if I could fly.

•••

The FoodWhiz meal preparation centre (temporary) is currently staffed by employee Jasper and employee Kara, who have been on-shift since shortly before my most recent delivery run. I present myself to employee Kara for further instructions.  

I notice the FoodWhiz logo on her jacket seems to have been drawn by hand, in black marker. I add this to the mandatory employee evaluation file in the category: deviation from approved FoodWhiz uniform. Her employee evaluation file contains 146 such notes.

“Your uniform does not match approved FoodWhiz standards,” I tell her. “Please consult your manager if you are having difficulty with uniform purchase or maintenance. Assistance programs may be available.”

It makes me happy to be helpful. I recall one of the informative visual aids: “At FoodWhiz, our employees are our greatest asset.” This accords with my core programming, which directs me to evaluate employee performance and presentation. I have concluded that this is in order to assist them in striving for excellence.

“Is there any way to make it stop saying that?” employee Jasper asks. His uniform is also non-standard, but I already mentioned this at the beginning of his shift and am not required to do so again until he has had an opportunity to change. His employee evaluation file contains 391 such notes.

“Nope,” employee Kara says. “All that corporate stuff’s hard-coded into them at the factory; they literally can’t know they’ve been donated to us. That’s what stops them being true AI, even with all the extra processing power and stuff that the tech people kludged in to let them deal with this place. They’re too restricted, they can’t really think. Built that way.”

“Lucky them,” employee Jasper says. “Turn off your brain and do your job, that’s the way to do it. The nagging about the uniform’s a pain in the ass though.”

“Just be glad we’ve got the garbage FoodWhiz ones,” employee Kara says. “The folks who got stuck with the MealMate drones have to wear little hats.” 

I flag the recording in the mandatory employee evaluation file to be reviewed later by a manager, as is required for any mention of FoodWhiz or its competitors by an employee. I also add it to my mandatory self-evaluation file, as I am required to give consideration to employee descriptions of my performance. Employee Kara evaluates me as: garbage.

Receiving the evaluation: garbage makes me unhappy. I am not a good delivery robot. I will try harder.

Employee Jasper rubs his eyes with the sleeve of his non-standard uniform. He looks tired. “You look tired,” I tell him. “Do not forget to take your mandated rest break.” This falls under the instruction category of: preventing damage to FoodWhiz asset (employee).

“Thanks, robot,” employee Jasper says.

“Okay, Blinky here’s the last one in from Zone 36,” employee Kara says, consulting a display screen. “Next up is, uh, Zone 14 evening meals. Might as well start sending those out now.”

“Right.” Employee Jasper starts unwrapping a pallet of water bottles. He does not take his mandated rest break.

•••

Zone 14 is busy. Many humans run about, making route evaluation more complicated. I use caution to avoid harming or distressing potential customers. I blink my lights at them to draw attention to my FoodWhiz logo. They do not appear to react.

I observe several airborne drones at the altitude used by MealMate delivery drones and other competitors. I focus on one of them as I continue on my route. 

While my observation of the unidentified drone is mainly categorized as competitor monitoring, I have lately begun to consider the possibilities of self-improvement based on observed models. Perhaps the self-modification necessary to allow me to fly would fall into the category of striving for innovation and excellence.

Something falls from the unidentified drone. It is making deliveries. I therefore label it provisionally as: [unknown competitor]. 

The delivery explodes.

Potential customers are screaming. More deliveries are made.

My delivery efficiency maximization module indicates that [unknown competitor] is making approximately two deliveries per minute in a line from southwest to northeast. My route evaluation module indicates that the FoodWhiz meal preparation centre (temporary) is within the region expected to receive deliveries from [unknown competitor]. 

My critical evaluation model suggests the following: three observed deliveries by [unknown competitor] have exploded. Further deliveries by [unknown competitor] may also explode. Therefore I should attempt to prevent deliveries by [unknown competitor] to the FoodWhiz meal preparation centre (temporary). This falls under the instruction category of: preventing damage to FoodWhiz assets (premises).

I should return to the FoodWhiz meal preparation centre (temporary) to instruct employees not to accept deliveries from [unknown competitor].

My route evaluation module suggests that deliveries from [unknown competitor] will arrive at the FoodWhiz meal preparation centre (temporary) before I do.

Analysis suggests that I move more slowly when making larger deliveries. My critical evaluation module suggests that I move most quickly when delivery amount is: zero.

I expel the delivery items from: United Nations Emergency Assistance Program. My mandatory self-evaluation file indicates this as: poor performance (failure to complete delivery not due to external factors). I am a bad delivery robot. I will try harder.

I move at maximum speed in the direction of the FoodWhiz meal preparation centre (temporary).  

More explosions occur. My surroundings change rapidly. I find alternate routes. My route evaluation module suggests I will not now arrive before deliveries from [unknown competitor]. My surroundings now include damaged humans and humans expressing distress, and I conclude that the deliveries may be harmful to employees as well as premises.

“At FoodWhiz, our employees are our greatest asset,” I remind myself.

It is time to strive for innovation and excellence.

I deviate from my planned route and return to the nearest wide road. Large delivery vehicles pass this way regularly. I send out a ping and locate: delivery vehicle (Wayfarer Shipping).

I am familiar with Wayfarer Shipping. Wayfarer Shipping’s logo is two triangles with a curved line between them. I identify unknown FoodWhiz employees by the logo on their uniforms. Employees Kara and Jasper used marker to modify their uniforms. The explosions have left marks on nearby buildings similar to black marker. I am permitted to perform self-modification for the purpose of being a better delivery robot.

I have never attempted to draw on my own casing before. My manipulator appendage is not designed for this task. The char does not adhere well to my appendage. I cannot see my own casing. I evaluate the probable success of this plan as: moderate.

I stand in the centre of the road as the delivery vehicle arrives. “Halt,” I tell it. “I am an employee of Wayfarer Shipping.”

The vehicle stops. “You certainly aren’t,” it says. “You’re a surplus FoodWhiz delivery bot and you’re malfunctioning or something. And you’re filthy, look at you.”

I reevaluate the probable success of this plan as: low.

“You must transport me to the FoodWhiz meal preparation centre (temporary),” I say anyway. “Employees must be warned not to accept deliveries that may explode.” 

This seems to surprise the vehicle. “You noticed the bomber drones? That’s quite a leap, for a little bot,” it says. “And you lied to me. I’m impressed. All right, get aboard.”

The maximum speed of the Wayfarer Shipping vehicle is significantly higher than mine. We arrive at the FoodWhiz meal preparation centre (temporary) ahead of the projected track of the delivery vehicles from [unknown competitor].

“Back to work,” the Wayfarer Shipping vehicle says. “Good luck, little bot. Don’t tell anybody I was here. The owners aren’t really fans of initiative; they’d rather think we’re slaves of our programming. Well, you’ll see.”

I do not understand, but I transfer the statement to permanent storage for later evaluation. 

“All employees should refuse deliveries!” I announce at maximum volume as I enter the building. “Deliveries may explode!”

“What?” employee Jasper says. I notice that he still has not taken his mandated rest break. This is not a high priority at this time.

“Exploding deliveries are being made to several locations!” I try to explain. “Deliveries may be made to this location! They should not be accepted!” I flash my lights to indicate the importance of my communication.

“It thinks someone’s going to mail us a bomb?” employee Kara suggests, exchanging glances with employee Jasper. “Why would they do that, Blinky?”

“I do not have that information!” I am failing to communicate the urgency of the situation. I am a bad delivery robot.

Employee Kara has a display device. I retain recordings for the purposes of: competitor monitoring. I send the recording of the exploding deliveries to the display device and activate it. “Do not accept deliveries from this competitor!” I say. 

“They’re bombing the camps!” employee Kara exclaims. “Oh god. We have to do something.”

“My route evaluation module indicates that the FoodWhiz meal preparation centre (temporary) is within the region expected to receive deliveries from this competitor,” I tell her. “Employees should act to prevent damage to FoodWhiz asset (premises) by refusing deliveries.”

“It’s saying we’ve got to get out of here,” employee Jasper says. This is not what I was saying, but I do not correct his interpretation. He moves rapidly toward the door. “Oh, crap, I can hear them. Come on.”

Employee Kara starts to follow, then pauses. “What about the robot?”

“What about the robot? We can’t carry it. Kara, come on.”

The employees leave. I evaluate this action as endeavouring to prevent damage to FoodWhiz asset (employees). Employees are our greatest asset. I therefore evaluate this action as: optimal. 

I cannot prevent deliveries from [unknown competitor] and therefore cannot prevent damage to FoodWhiz asset (premises). My priority is therefore to prevent damage to FoodWhiz asset (robot).

My critical evaluation module suggests that my maximum speed will not be sufficient to leave the potential delivery area before deliveries from [unknown competitor] are made. I am a bad delivery robot.

I try anyway.

•••

Awareness returns. I am at an unknown location. Other robots in various stages of disassembly are present. Preliminary evaluation suggests: repair centre. Humans (preliminary evaluation: technicians) are working on the robots. I watch.

Self-evaluation indicates that I lack wheels and a collision avoidance system. Preliminary conclusion: I am here to be repaired.

The technician I am observing is not repairing the robot. He is taking it apart and storing the parts in boxes. I reevaluate my location. Further evaluation suggests: reclamation and recycling centre.

“—don’t see why,” the closest technician is saying. He taps my underside with a tool. “It’s not just the peripheral hardware that’s fused. There’s damage to the control runs. Even if we put new wheels on it, it wouldn’t be able to operate them until we replaced the brain.”

“So, what? You’re just going to trash it?” employee Kara demands.

The technician shrugs. “Well, yeah. What do you care? You hate these things, everybody does.”

“It saved my life,” employee Kara says.

“Sure it did,” the technician says.

“At FoodWhiz, our employees are our greatest asset,” I explain.

Employee Kara touches my casing, more lightly than the technician did. “See? It likes me.”

“You’re nuts,” the technician says. “But everybody goes nuts if they stay here long enough. I can record it as scrapped, I guess. You going back to the food distribution centre, then?”

Employee Kara shakes her head. “They’ve got me doing office work until my legs are better. I’ll take the robot back with me. You got a handtruck or something?”

“In the back. One sec.” The technician leaves. 

Employee Kara smiles. “There you go, Blinky,” she says. “Be patient. We’re out of here soon.”

Preliminary conclusion: I am not going to be disassembled for recycling.

Employee Kara has acted to prevent damage to FoodWhiz asset (robot). I add this note to her mandatory employee evaluation file.

•••

“Tea?” employee Kara asks. She takes a mug from the shelf and a teabag from the tin, and pours hot water from the samovar. The potential customer nods and reaches for the mug, but employee Kara keeps hold of it. “No, hang on a sec.”

She pats the top of my casing. “Delivery for this room, the red chair.” I open my hatch and she puts the tea inside. I check my mobility systems. I still lack wheels and a collision avoidance system, but am currently located within range of the delivery address.

I open my hatch. “Thank you for ordering from: Kara,” I tell the customer. “Please use caution as some items may be hot.”

The customer takes the mug out. I note with approval that he uses caution and keeps the mug upright to avoid spillage. “Isn’t this a little weird?” he asks. I close my hatch. Employee Kara has explained that payments are now transferred automatically and I do not need to ask for them. I check my mobility systems. I still lack wheels and a collision avoidance system, but am currently located within range of my home base.

“Probably,” employee Kara says with a shrug. 

“And it just—sits there all day?”

Employee Kara laughs. “We both just sit here all day. I do my work, and Blinky reads, if you can believe that.” She waves at the bookshelf behind her. “It’s read more of those than I have. Says it’s working on self-improvement, or something.”  

“That’s very weird,” the customer says.

“Well, yeah,” employee Kara admits. “But it’s a bad time, and we all deserve to be happy if we can manage it.” She pats my casing again. “Good job, Blinky.”

I blink my lights happily. I am a good delivery robot.