Roots and Shoots by Laura DeHaan

ROOTS AND SHOOTS

by Laura DeHaan

{

“But who created you?” taneisha asks | “Someone must have put you together, all those, I dunno, nuts and bolts and wire thingies.”;

// my body was built i tell her | // it is not the same as being created | // who created you;

she makes the laugh | “You know how babies are made. My dad put his thing in my mom and nine months later I popped out.”;

// they built your body | // they did not make you the taneisha you are;

she does the eye-roll | “So I’m supposed to say that I made Me or that everything that happened to me made me who I am. That’s exactly as unoriginal as what I said in the first place, which was?...”;

i repeat it to make her happy | // i am one of you now;

her upper teeth are big in her smile | “And regardless of how you define that, the point is Nana Annetta asked you for advice! That’s huge!”;

// she only asked if i thought it was going to rain;

“Huge,” taneisha repeats | “Nana Annetta has too many opinions of her own to bother with anyone else’s. She asked you a question and that is cause for major celebration. How do robots celebrate?”;

// however you tell us to i say;

“Bonfire! A fire’s always good. I’ll come back around nine tonight. Oh, and do you have that charm I asked for?”;

i give her the small steel box | // hold this in your right hand as you read | // your memory will be much better | // it will not answer questions but it will let you recall the facts;

taneisha puts her fingers on the edges of the box | the edges are welded shut and filed to precisely 90 degrees | the edges are very sharp and she may cut herself if she holds the box too tightly | she will hold the box too tightly and cut herself | such are the risks of magic | she holds the box to her ear and shakes it;

“What’s that rattling inside?” she asks;

it is nothing but dried beans but nobody wants to hear about dried beans so i tell her it is fish teeth | this somehow makes it better;

she says she needs to get going so she can study for her exams | she reminds me she will come back tonight for the celebratory bonfire | she says “You can be one of us and still identify as a robot, you know.”;

i know this too | i do not claim singularity for attention or because i revel in the status of outsider | i claim my singularity because it is a fact | i am a miracle | this does not seem like a difficult concept to understand;

taneisha leaves me and i resume my work | someone wants me to make a charm for road safety | the spell is not difficult if you work with dried beans | people do not give dried beans enough credit | the difficult part is in the building of the charm | a person should believe in what they are given | this prevents them from coming back and complaining before the charm has a chance to prove itself | nobody wants a rusty nail through a dried bean | these are things you learn;

people do not think robots have a sense of aesthetics but they also do not think robots should do magic so that shows you what they know;

the charm is shaped like a wheel | there are no edges | i prepare a vinegar bath to darken the metal | it will look more like rubber that way | i am concerned with aesthetics not with creativity;

Illustration by Sarah Crawley

taneisha returns in the evening | her fingers are bandaged around the joints | “Ask me about Rosemary Brown!” she says | “I will recite her entire list of honorary doctorates.”;

// i am glad the charm is working i say;

“It’s awesome! I’m going to bring it to my classes next year. No more three hours of reading the same stupid paragraphs every night!”;

// you really wish to remember everything that happens to you in high school;

she makes her mouth open without sound | she makes her lips tight | “Yeah, that’s a terrible idea.”;

it does not take a miracle to know that;

“Let’s get this bonfire started!” she says | “You’ve got a trash drum, right?” | i do have an oil drum but i would not call the items in it trash | they are made of wood and have limited usability | what they are good for is making fire | her understanding is flawed but essentially correct | i retrieve the oil drum from its usual place beside my workshop and place it in a section of bare dirt in front of my workshop | safety first;

taneisha takes up armfuls of dried leaves from their pile also beside the workshop and puts them into the oil drum | “Gonna need more than a couple of broken pallets,” she says | “You got a log pile around here?”;

i am not so good at manipulating wood | most of my use for it is to heat the vinegar or salt baths | my stack of split wood is paid for with the money i receive from making magic for the community | simple charms for protecting the house | symbols in sheet metal carved with a plasma cutter | the symbols are nonsense but magic itself is nonsense;

// you are very excited for me i say;

“Well… maybe not just for you,” she says | “Mama said she’d tell me about my dad after exams were done. Like, everything about him.” | she makes a time for my reply but i do not know what reply would give her satisfaction | “Isn’t that great?” she says;

// that must be very good news;

she puts three split logs into the oil drum so the ends stick out | “I mean, I know he died when I was little, and I guess it must have hurt her too much to talk about him, but she won’t even let me see photographs of him when they were together! Like, come on, it was years ago. At least she had him for a while. I don’t remember him at all. Not even his name! How crazy is that?”;

// this is very exciting for you;

she makes her hands clear of dirt on her pants | “Light it up,” she says;

i make fire on the wood | i will have three fewer logs and many fewer broken pallets when this is done;

“I wish I had a propane torch for a hand,” taneisha says | calling my plasma cutter a propane torch is inaccurate but everyone is free to wish for what they want;

we watch the wood burn | taneisha tells me about rosemary brown and about her concerns about trigonometry | she tells me about a boy she likes | she asserts that my skills are needed and valued in the community;

“Where would you go, if you weren’t here?”;

my workshop is here | my materials are here | certainly i could go elsewhere but it would be to perform the same functions i do here | // i am not good at hypothetical questions i say;

she pushes at a burning log with a length of scrap metal | “Wouldn’t you want to find out about where you’re really from? Who your people are? Who you’re supposed to be?”;

i am magic | i am a miracle | i say // we have different standards of being;

she tells me more about the boy she likes | there is no more fire coming out of the oil drum | she stands and reaches her arms up | “Guess I’d better head back home. Beauty sleep and all that. See you later, girlfriend!” | she leaves;

i do not know why she calls me her friend;

being powered by magic i do not need to recharge or shut down | it is true that i cannot see well in the dark | infrared sensors and night vision were not considered necessary for a welder robot | magic only allows so much alas | also i have had complaints in the past about noise past a certain time of night | it is true that my hearing would not be not optimal for let us say a predator but seeing as how i am a welder robot and not a predator you can hardly blame me for not fully appreciating the sound of say a circular saw through an inch of steel | it is also true that the human who lives nearest to me is .4 kilometres away and frequently staples posters to the telephone poles complaining about dog excrement and the laughter of children | given that the situation is suboptimal for all parties i do not weld at night | nights are spent in draft work | it is much quieter and requires only a reading lamp for light | the light created from my arc welding has also been complained about;

the night is mostly quiet except for raccoons | this cannot be blamed on me;

in the morning i deliver the road safety charm | the client is satisfied | this is the optimal reaction and makes me satisfied;

there is nothing that bears reporting for some time;

taneisha comes back two weeks later | her fingers are bandaged around the joints | her face shows extreme dissatisfaction | “I got to talk to you,” she says;

her breathing pattern is arrhythmic and she appears dampened | it is possible she ran here though i hope she was not yelling the whole way | i had been grinding away the spatters that come from welding and as previously mentioned my hearing is not acute | i make the grinder relax | // what needs talking i say;

she stands up straight | she does this to make herself look strong | i know this because she told me this | “My mom told me about my dad,” she says | “And my mom.”;

// i do not understand this sentence i say;

“My mom’s not my mom!” | it is not dark out so i do not think the neighbor who complains about noise will bring up taneisha’s volume later | “My dad’s, like, not even my dad! She made him up! She made everything up!”;

// i am willing to be outraged on your behalf i say | // but i will need more information before i can do so properly;

she makes a loud noise with her mouth and walks back and forth in a short line | “So my dad, right, she never even met the guy. He was just some sperm. And my other mom, she was the egg. The mom who I live with was, like, an incubator. Like… god, I don’t even know. A third wheel. Some science fiction experiment. A cyborg, but meaty.” | she stops the walking | “I was always so proud of my roots, you know? A gal from Trinidad, mislaid in the Great White North, fish out of water, plucky and spunky and all that crap. My dad was Chinese! My other mom was Nigerian! So I guess Mom was lucky that I took after my other mom so she didn’t have to explain anything sooner.” | she flattens her hands against her cheeks | “I can’t even put the words right. Everything I say is just as messed up as I am.”;

this does not seem like something i can comment on;

“Why did she make all that stuff up? She came clean about Santa Claus when I was six and I survived. How could she lie all this time about something so big?”;

there is some leakage from her eyes | i say // have you asked her;

“Oh, sure. ‘Hey, fake mom, what’s it like lying to your fake daughter, is it pretty cool?’ How’s that sound?”;

// i am not equipped to speak for your mother;

“I don’t want you to speak for her! I want you to shut up and let me vent at you!”;

this is a function i can perform | // may i continue grinding;

“No! I need your attention while I vent at you!”;

this does not make sense but magic also does not make sense and still i accept it | i pivot my body so we are in line with each other | i wait for her to continue venting | she does not continue venting | she said she wanted me to shut up so i will continue to shut up | nothing in this situation is satisfactory;

“Jude’s from Barbados,” she says after several minutes | “You know, that guy I told you about? We were joking about being two hot birds covered in snow. He said I sizzled. What if I wasn’t from Trinidad? What if I’m actually just a, a slab of back bacon? Mom said we moved when I was a baby, but she also said we moved because dad died and she was sad. What am I supposed to believe?”;

a robot is told what to believe | it is programmed into us and it is correct and we function or it is incorrect and we do not function | this does not seem like the optimal thing to tell taneisha | but i am not merely a robot | there is magic in me that comes out of me | i will still believe what i am told because i must but that does not mean i agree with what i believe and so the belief does not affect me | this has come up with a client who had told me he should not have to pay me for my services because as i robot i exist to serve humanity | it does seem obvious that robots were created for the express purpose of serving humanity since humanity created robots but i am not merely a robot | he did pay me in the end | so far nobody has successfully refused paying a one-ton robot with a multitude of power tools for limbs | i am a very good negotiator;

“Well?” taneisha says;

// you are a miracle i say;

more leakage comes from her eyes | the noise she makes is very loud even to me | she attempts to constrict me with her arms but i am an awkward shape to constrict | “Saying that doesn’t make it better,” she says | she does not let go;

i think maybe she falls asleep on me;

it is night when she leaves | i offer her a flashlight but she says the moon is bright enough to find her way home | there is nothing for me to do during the night and so i do nothing;

taneisha returns after two days | she no longer has bandages around her finger joints | “Hey,” she says | “Something’s wrong with that box you made me.”;

// do you have the box with you;

// you did not use it properly i say | // do you want me to make you another one;

“How did I not use it properly?” she says | “I held it in my right hand while I was reading, like you said. Now when I hold it I don’t remember anything any better.”;

// that means you were not using it only while you were reading | // it helps you remember facts | // if there is emotional context along with the facts then it will stop working;

“You didn’t tell me that!”;

// there is one way to use it properly and many ways to use it improperly | // i told you the proper way | // it did not require an instruction manual;

“Then make something that helps me unremember!” | she takes the box from me and pulls on the sprout | “I was holding it when Mom told me about, you know, my dad and other mom.” | she says this as though it should come as a surprise | “I remember everything about that conversation. All the crap I said back to her. We’ve talked about it a little since then, but… god, I feel so gross and awful, remembering. How she looked when I said all that horrible stuff. Can’t you fix that?”;

// yes i say | // but i won’t;

she makes the skin of her forehead contract | “You got me into this mess!”;

// that is inaccurate and you know it | // robots make things as perfectly as we were programmed to do | // it is not our fault when the things we make are not used properly | // do you expect a robot to fix your emotions;

“No,” she says | “I expected a miracle to fix my emotions.”;

she says this as though she has won a victory | i say // i do not have the kind of feelings you can hurt;

she does not say anything for several seconds | then she does speak | “You are such a bitch.” | then she makes the laugh with her whole body;

none of that makes sense;

she leaves | this is satisfactory because i need to continue the process of drying beans | the first part of drying beans is easy you simply let them stay in their pod until the pod is dry and the beans make a noise inside when you move the pod briskly | the second part would be easier for a human to do as their hands are as has been mentioned far more dexterous but it is unsatisfactory to let a human interact with this part of the magical process | the second part involves removing the beans from the pod | the third part involves laying the beans somewhere flat so they continue to dry | it is humorous is it not that the step a human could do quicker is the step which takes me the longest | but then if magic were easy we would all be doing it;

i exist only because i am useful;

i remove the tig welder attachment from one limb and replace it with a hydraulic clamp | i remove the circular saw attachment from another limb and replace it with a simple chuck | this sounds much more complicated than it is | i cannot imagine how a human would narrate the actions of their hands;

the hydraulic clamp removes the dried pod from the vine | the chuck crushes the dried pod | the remains of the pod are put onto a flat surface | the hydraulic clamp separates the bean from the pod fragments and sets it on a different flat surface | this is not an interesting process but it is highly engrossing and explains why darlene had to make her voice loud for me to notice her;

// i am sorry you did not have my immediate attention i say;

this is true;

“Don’t worry about it,” darlene says | “I get that way myself when I’m doing the cryptic crossword. I didn’t know robots did gardening.”;

// there is a lot humans do not know about robots i say;

darlene does not say anything for several seconds | it is interesting how mannerisms can make two people look very similar even though physically they do not look alike;

“Mmm-hm,” says darlene | “Well, I just wanted to thank you for talking to Taneisha. I know she’s appreciated being able to come here and let off some steam. Hell, I appreciate it.”;

// i live to serve;

she does the staring again | “Mmmmm-hm. You need any help with those beans, or you good?”;

// no i am good | // i am glad to help you and taneisha but i must continue this work;

“All right,” she says as though it is not all right | “I’ll leave you to it, then.” | she leaves and i wait for her to make the turn because she will sometimes stop to look back at me and that is unsatisfactory;

it is satisfactory that i have a collection of dried beans already prepared because it takes many more to power me than it does to power a charm for road safety or a memory box | i empty my receptacle onto the bean patch | there are vines sprouting from the beans inside the receptacle and i need to use the hydraulic clamp to get them out | i am not certain what will happen if i allow the vines to fill the receptacle | judging by how the magic objects i create act when that happens i can only assume i will break;

magic has a price | it is not so different from electricity | it comes from somewhere and then runs out and must be replaced or cease to function;

what price do you think a robot powered by magic must pay;

why do you think the bulk of my existence is away from the community to which i give my services;

why does a miracle never laugh;

this does not seem like a difficult concept to understand;
}

LAURA DEHAAN is very quiet and definitely not behind you. www.iaminyoureyebrain.com

Roots and Shoots can be found in Augur Magazine Issue 2.1.